Innocent Yet Tainted
by loopyloopylouise1
Summary: [Set in the Marauders era] Remus wants to know how to control his feelings. I suck at summaries... But hopefully you'll like this. SBRL
1. Lycanthropy

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I don't claim to own it, you know the drill…

A/N: This story will have changes of POV from time to time, I'll put the person's name above the chapter to let you know who it is.

** Chapter 1 **

_L ycanthropy_

Sirius

Remus sits alone on the huge table, with his nose buried in a book, I observe him from a behind a book case. He looks like he could be really settled into whatever he's reading, time for me to step in. I walk out from behind the book case and creep up behind him, barely making a noise.

"What you reading?" I shriek loudly into his ear like an annoying kid. He jumps slightly and I can't help but giggle, receiving glares from the other students in the Library. I take a seat opposite him, waiting for a reply. He lifts his book up and turns it, so the bottom of the pages hit the table with a low thud. I squint and read the peeling gold letters, "_Lycanthropy_… What the hell is that?" Remus glances up at me over the book, with a surprised look on his angelic face.

"It's just a big word meaning the transformation from a man into a wolf." He turns back to his book and starts to read again.

"Oh," I whisper, "well, wouldn't you already know a lot about that…. I mean… You have first hand experience."

"Yes, but I don't know everything," he whispers back. "I'm just trying to find out more."

"Maybe I could help?" Now he had to look at me, his eyes seemed to be scanning my face. I pouted and batted my eyelashes, but he shook his head with a frown. After about a minute of silent begging, he finally he gave in with a sigh and a small nod.

"So what are you trying to find out?" I say, actually interested, it didn't last for long as I stared off into his amber eyes, so innocent but slightly tainted, probably the werewolf leaving it's mark. It took me several seconds to realise Remus was talking.

"-to find out more about…Well... Certain urges before the full moon," He blushed violently and my eyebrows shot up. I'm glad I caught the end of what he had to say.

"Finding it useful?" I ask, trying not to grin.

"Sort of… But it's mostly just analysing the feelings. Not really helping me much… There are some questions I answered," he said, picking up a small, crumpled piece of paper. "I got the questions from this book, they're okay but don't tell me how to control the feelings." He was just about to put the piece of paper in his pocket before I snatched it from his grasp.

He leaps forward, attempting to get it back, but I rest on the two back legs of my chair. I clutch the paper in one hand and holding onto the edge of the table with the other, Remus still trying to reach across the table for it. I start to read it orally, but still keeping my voice down.

"Number one, are you easily aroused near the full moon?" I pause to read the answer, "Yes… Two, do you find it hard to control yourself? Are you aroused by completely normal things? Are you being attracted to people you see everyday?" I read the three answers with a grin. Maybe I'm taking this too far, but he would have told me to stop by now. I look up at him seeing him glaring at me, in an uncharacteristic way.

He reaches desperately for it again. I look back down to read the next question, "Do you find yourself being attracted to the same sex?" He lunges over the table with such force that he could have fallen over the table and knocked me off my chair. The paper is swiped out of my hands before I get to read his answer and he shoves it inside the open pages of the book. He shuts it quickly and sits back down, looking sadly down at the table. Oh shit, I've gone too far.

"Remmie?" I pause. "Sorry… I should have asked if I could read them… I guess I really put my paw in it now."

He faces me with a small smile, "You can probably just read the questions for yourself." I say and stand up cautiously, hoping I haven't upset him. Then I leave, but not without getting a book for myself.


	2. Delicate Circles

**Chapter 2**

_Delicate Circles_

I flop down lazily on my bed, my face buried into the soft, inviting pillows that tempt me to fall asleep. The smooth material warming my skin after the cold weather from Quidditch practice. I roll over and stare at the curtains of my four poster bed. I fight to keep my eyelids open but typically, they slide shut.

_His hands run up and down my back as soft kisses are pressed onto my collarbone lovingly. Slow, delicate circles are drawn on my skin with his tongue. A moan escapes my lips as the hands travel down to the small of my back, pulling me closer. Those addictive lips leave my collarbone and his head lifts up, his amber eyes burning into me like nothing I've ever felt._

"_Remus…"_

"No…James," my eyes fly open and I'm met by my friend's face, which was way too close to me, his hair a total mess and glasses askew. "That dream sounded nice Padfoot… Getting some action were you?" A grin was plastered over James' face and I shoot him my best death glare.

"Get off you dolt!" I say, becoming aware he's sat on my legs and all feeling in them has vanished. He moves slightly to the right and he frowns at me.

"Are you alright mate? I've been worried about you… We all have… I mean, this is the third time you've slept through dinner this week. And when you get any spare time you're either in bed or, I don't know where you go but-"

"I'm fine," I cut him off, sounding more harsh than I had intended. He looks at me sceptically before straightening his glasses. "Really? Nothing's wrong." Just let me sleep!

"You might be an excellent liar, but I know you and you don't look fine at all." That's probably because I've just been woken from the most amazing dream I've ever had. He runs a hand through his uncontrollable hair, "So, you're trying to tell me nothing is wrong? Are you sure?" I groan, hoping he would just drop it.

At times like these James could really bug me, but at the end of the day he's one of my best friend and he would stick with me through it all. After all, I trusted him with my secret. I told him at the start of the fifth year, he was the only person I've ever about my sexuality. Because my fear of how everyone would act towards me, we kept it to ourselves until I was ready.

"Sirius?" Shut up!

I'm probably just cranky or something… That's the word Remus would use to describe my current mood. Personally, I thought that I was just a grumpy git. I focussed the little energy I had on trying not to yell at him. "Merlin James, everything's wrong!" I sigh tiredly and stare up at the ceiling. "I can't get him out of my head… And to make matters worse, he's avoiding me."

"Of course he's not… Why would you think that?"

"Maybe because he is. I haven't spoken to him properly in three weeks and it's driving me insane! It sounds so stupid but I just constantly see his face everywhere. I even saw his face appear in my Butterbeer… But I just put that down to having too much to Firewhiskey."

"Does he have a reason to avoid you?" Ugh, what an annoying question. I open my mouth to answer but hesitate and then close it again, trying to think of something more polite to say.. "Does he have a reason Sirius?" I look back at him, he looks deadly serious and I sigh yet again. What the hell do I say? Do I tell him? What if Moony wasn't actually gay? What if I was totally on the wrong track? Maybe I should just go back to sleep. Agh!

"I guess I kind of… Well… Sort of, erm- He's gay Prongs."

"That means you're in with a chance buddy!" His smile nearly stretches from ear to ear, threatening to jump right off his face to smother me. I just blink at him, beyond confused, it wasn't quite the reaction I was expecting. "You two were made for each other!" He's off his rocker. James Potter has totally lost it. What the hell has he been smoking?

"He doesn't have any loving feelings towards me whatsoever, apart from friendship of course." His smile fades and I can predict the next few words out of his mouth.

"You don't know that." Typical.

"And I doubt I ever will for sure. So I'm just going to be stuck in this same depressing train of thought forever."

"Don't sound so dramatic Padfoot." I snort and throw my head back against the pillow, knowing what was still to come. 'What's the worst that can happen?' I lay waiting till be proven right. "You never know unless you take a step forward… What's the worse that can happen?" I put an arm over my face, covering my eyes. I knew it.

"I could be rejected, which would result in Remus never talking to me again. And that would result in depression… I would have to live each day as it comes. Being destined to wander this life alone and just wallowing in my own self pity."

"You've really given this a lot of thought.

I shift my arm to look at him, "I've had three weeks."


	3. Detention

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I don't claim to own it, you know the drill…

A/N: Sorry it's taken so long, but it's finally here! It's not exactly brilliant in my opinion, but it's the best my mind can come up with at this current moment. I'm sick at the moment so I'm not very enthusiastic about this chapter. Be gentle…

**Chapter 3**

_Detention_

Remus

I wriggle uncomfortably in my seat, the wind was whistling outside and it rattled violently against the window. I go three weeks avoiding Sirius and the moment we talk again we get landed in detention. Professor McGonagall's beady eyes watch us carefully, probably expecting Sirius to pull a prank any second now. But instead, he sat silently with a look of deep concentration on his face, his quill moving swiftly across the parchment. He sighs, ending a sentence and looks up at the clock. I watch as he turns his attention back to his assignment. Usually I would be the one working, but tonight something was different. I force myself to look away; I stare down at the parchment. I frown reading back what I had written so far, _The process_... I slam my head down on the desk.

"Mr. Lupin, are you alright?" McGonagall asks, her voice laced with concern. I mumble a simple "yes" onto the table and slowly lift my head. I glance over to Sirius; he was watching me, a smile played across his features. I turned away and picked up my quill, hovering it over the parchment, as if asking it to write the essay for me. Sadly it didn't agree with my request, instead a horrible ink blot expanded on my page. I groaned and was just about to give up before a stroke of brilliance hit me. I smashed my head into the table again and started groaning loudly.

"Mr. Lupin, are you sure nothing is wrong?" I look up, clutching my stomach for effect. The full moon was two nights ago, so I didn't look to healthy anyway. I groan again, squinting my eyes and looking down at my desk.

"Perhaps I should take him to Madam Pomfrey?" Sirius spoke up, forcing a look of concern.

"Yes, that would probably be best." I stand up slowly, still clutching my stomach. Sirius picks up his stuff and we hurry to get out the room. Just as we reach the back of the room were stopped "Black," he turns around slowly, "if I catch you doing anything like that in my class again then you'll get worse than a detention." He swallowed and gave a quick nod before we both left her alone.

"Moony, wouldn't have thought you'd be getting us out of that one!" He was smiling, I however was not. A first year Hufflepuff dodged him as he started to skip along happily.

"Why would you worry? Your quill was moving like it was being chased by Binns!" He slowed to a walk and held up his parchment. I read over the first sentence, _crap crap crap crap crap_. "Childish and predictable, but somehow not so much." Good old Padds. We reach the Gryffindor tower and I mumble the password.

"Where is he!" We collide with something, a flash of red and then I'm falling, something hard, yet soft, breaks my fall, Sirius. Lily Evans looking down at us angrily. "Have either of you seen James!" We shake our heads quickly no. "Well if you see him, tell him to meet me after the feast or else, or else… Okay, I don't know what yet, but Merlin he'll be in trouble if he doesn't show!" I nod, absolutely petrified, she whips around and leaves us in a tangle of limbs. It takes a couple of seconds to realize how close we are. One of his legs curled around me and slung over mine, oh god. His foot in between my thighs, his hand resting on my chest and his other hand gripping my right shoulder. Oh Merlin. I jump up and turn to look at a nearly full common room, all eyes on us. I hate it when there's lots of attention on me, it makes it twice as likely for me to make a fool of myself. I feel myself blushing a violent shade of red and I head up to the dormitory as fast as I can.

I rip open the curtains of my bed and I throw myself onto it, I let out a strangled scream into my pillow. Oh gods, I really shouldn't feel that way about him. Stupid Remus, stupid.

"Moony?" Oh Merlin, oh gods, oh Sirius. I groan inwardly and turn over onto my back. He's standing at the side of my bed looking slightly flustered. "Erm, are you okay? I mean, I know you were lying before to get out of detention, but now you actually do look ill."

"Too many people," I say pathetically with a sigh. He gives an understanding nod and sits on the edge of the bed. There's a twinkle in his eye and I try not to show how it affects me. He lays down on his side and props himself up on his elbow. I turn on my side so were face to face, not exactly one of my best ideas. I reach forward and tuck a piece of hair behind his ear, he smiles sweetly at me, sending shivers down my spine. I guess I brought this upon myself.


	4. Chocolate

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I don't claim to own it, you know the drill…

A/N: Hey guys, sorry it's taken me so long to update. Have been suffering from writers block from this story and I've been so busy. But just when I thought nobody was reading this anymore I got a reply that inspired me to update. So thank you Jamie88, loves ya hun! MWAH!

And just so ya'll know this is their last couple of days at Hogwarts, I said it would be AU so there will be know Peter betrayal(no matter how much I'm tempted to write it and turn it round so I can push him off a cliff)

**Chapter 4**

_Chocolate_

He just lies there, holding my gaze. I find myself in the familiar situation where I am unable to stop looking into his eyes that captures my attention so expertly. He leans a bit closer so his nose is about an inch from mine, my eyes tear themselves away from his for a second to glance down at his lips as they slowly part. I feel his warm breath on my face and I become aware of one of my favourite smells, chocolate. Chocolate was Remus' favourite, along side Sirius of course. But chocolate and Sirius at once would surely send him over the edge.

"Did you save me some?" I struggle to say, not sure if sound escaped my mouth at all. But that question was soon answered by the harmonious sound of Sirius' laughter.

"Of course I did, but you'll have to wait for it."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Everything comes at a price my dear Rem." Typical, always wants to keep me guessing. He sits there smiling for a few seconds and then his tongue slips out to lick over his lower lip slowly. I think I'm going to explode, too much sexual tension for one person to handle. Once he's finished he moves back slightly and sighs. "Rem?"

"Yeah."

"Do you ever think about the future?" I shoot him a quizzical look; he's not usually one for serious chats. "After Hogwarts I mean." He looks genuine, so why am I so worried my answer would sound stupid. I decide to change what I was going to say to try and get more out of him.

"In what way?" Stupid thing to ask him but it would be the only way not to embarrass myself.

"Not career-wise. I mean like…us, me and you…and James and Peter… It wont be the same."

"Siri, how long have you been worrying about this?" I try to sound light-hearted with a tad of sympathy but I could never do it like he does.

"Since the start of the year." Now I think about it, this would be the first time he'd ever come to me for advice and it was strange, almost like a foreign language. He sighed and then continued, "James will run off into the sunset with Lily and fuck all day. And Peter isn't exactly company with how distant he has got recently… That just leaves you and me and that is why I'm asking you rather than anyone else. Maybe I'm afraid we'll loose contact and grow old despising each other."

"Now you know that would never happen. I wouldn't let it… You're going to be pulling those stupid pranks of yours for years to come and I will always be there to bail you out." He smiles at me, a single tear rolling down his cheek which he abruptly brushes away. I decide not to say anything about it and act as if I didn't notice.

"Now come on, let's get some sleep. We've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm sure you want to make your last full day here memorable." He nods and he gives me a small smile. I crawl under the bed covers and I pull them up, indicating for Sirius to get in. By the time I realise what I did, he was climbing in beside me only wearing his boxers.

"I almost forgot," he says and slips out behind the curtain. The room darkens and I here a whispered 'Lumos' and rustling from the direction of Sirius' own bed. Seconds later he was back, one hand holding his wand in front of him to see his way back into bed and the other behind his back. They were in darkness once more and there was about half a minute where neither moved or spoke.

"Open your mouth."

"What?" I blinked at him several times although it was pointless in this situation.

"Just do it." He didn't sound forceful, more like hesitant, scared even. So I did what I was told, wondering what was coming.

"Open?" I give no answer, "Good." Again there is nothing except silence until I feel his drop something onto my tongue. I mumble my thanks while I eat the chocolate. Once I'm done he drops another into my mouth, and another and yet another. "Last one," he states and I lay with my lips parted just waiting, but I'm kept waiting. These long lapses of silence are beginning to worry me, what is he doing. Merlin, I wish I had my wand.

The last of the chocolate was pushed past my lips and massaged against my tongue. But it was sweeter than any chocolate I have ever tasted. All rational thoughts left my mind.


End file.
